I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
