I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
