So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I need a beard to bite.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
