I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
