I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
