yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
