Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
