How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
