Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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