I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
