Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
