How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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