he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
