you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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