Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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