I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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