why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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