Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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