i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
