Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
