I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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