And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
