and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
