Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
