Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
3pm strippers are depressing
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
