you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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