saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize