I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Porn is love you can see.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
