guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
