I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
