Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
