my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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