You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
