so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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