my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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