yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
