he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
