I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Semen is not good for contacts.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
