I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
