my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
