My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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