dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
