Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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