I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
