WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He felt like a one man threesome
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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