So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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