I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
