Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
