I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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