First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
