Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
