omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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