My underwear smells like fireworks.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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