dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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